Conflicting emotions...........

It's with a heavy heart and conflicted emotions that I write this.

I have a job interview on Wednesday. Yes, you read that right. A job. While I feel that my most important job and my calling really, is to be a stay at home mom (at this time of my life) it has become clear that I should go back to work.

I am very torn about this. On one hand it is a little exciting to think of entering the work force again and to have something for me that doesn't consist of being a mommy or a wife. When the excitement sets in then the guilt sets in. I feel guilty for being excited. Catch 22, huh?

It's not that I feel that I need to be with my children 24/7 (because, I don't) but it's the fact that if the need arises or an occasion comes up I won't have a wide open schedule. I can't just say , "hey, let's go to the museum today or see a movie". I guess I feel like I will be missing out on things and that makes me sad. I do think, though, that some separation is beneficial for both the momma and children. :)

On the other hand, the financial aspect is what makes me want and need to go back to work. When I say work, I mean part time, not full time. Right now we live a comfortable lifestyle and yes, we make sacrifices, but everyone does. However, as the kids have gotten older and talks of dance, soccer, swim lessons, gymnastics and all that has arisen so have the talks about money. I mean, can you believe how expensive stuff can be?! I want to give my children lots of opportunities and right now I can't.

Not to mention, it would be freeing to pay off some debts and get a little ahead. :) It's not as if we have a lot of debt but we have some and when you are trying to make headway on it and don't have much "extra" money coming in, it can be tough.

Daycare is expensive.... I mean really expensive. I don't know how some of you do it. I simply couldn't afford to pay for both children to go to daycare so I could work full time. That is one of the reasons that I feel part time will work for us. I am also fortunate enough to have a hubby who works three days a week........which leaves me quite a few days that I could work.

It's not that I am against moms working outside the home. I never actually thought I would be a stay at home mom, but after I had my kids that all changed. It was just the right decision at the right time for our family.  I never planned on staying home forever. I though that as soon as they were in school then I would go back to work. However, I think the best thing for all of us would be for me to go back......on a part time basis.

Leaving the issue of the kids completely out of it..........I am still super nervous! I haven't had a job for almost four years, let alone an interview. Talk about nervewracking! This is a company that I really want to work for too. I think it would be a great fit and I am anxious and excited all at once.