Sunday, September 16, 2012
Clinging to a thread
I am not the girl who is the best at expressing my emotions at times. Oh, I am passionate and when I am mad, you know. I have a very expressive face, but what I mean to say, or should say, is that when something is really hurting me I shut down instead, and turn inward. I don't always mean too but I guess you could say that it is my defense mechanism. If I don't talk about it then it's not real, right? Wrong. Sometimes that can leave you feeling really lonely.
Unfortunately that is right where I am. Lonely. I guess you could say that I had been clinging to a thread of hope and have slowly been realizing that the thread just keeps unraveling more and more.
I don't want to sound selfish or ungrateful because I know I am beyond blessed in so many ways, but I can't help the way I feel. See, I want another baby. Badly. I have for some time. Brandon doesn't. I thought that when Kendra was young it was just something he said. Because, honestly, I wouldn't have wanted another one then, either. That was a tough first year having two under two. Now, that I have gotten to the point where I felt like we were ready I had bringing up the conversation here and there and have always been met with the same response. No. I love my kids and my family, but I don't want another one. Tonight, though I kinda broke down and told him how badly I do want a bigger family and that deep down inside I don't feel done and that I feel as though I have another child......but he/she just isn't conceived yet. Maybe that sounds weird to some but it is a feeling I have. I feel as though we were meant to have another.
Brandon does not feel the same. I can't blame him. He feels as strongly about not having one as I do about having one.I just kept hoping that maybe he would change his mind, but it has become clear to me that he won't. I told him that I would keep clinging to this thread if I thought for even a second there was a chance. He gently had to tell me that he never wants another and there is no way that he will change his mind. Ever. I know he doesn't want to hurt me but he can't help the way he feels either.
I am trying not to feel angry, but instead I just feel very sad. I can't help it. Now, I know that there are so many amazing women and men who want so badly to have at least one child and can't. I experienced some of that heartache when trying to conceive Jaxson so I know a little of how that feels. I don't want to sound like I am complaining when I have two wonderful children already who are my life. However, having experienced that love has opened me up to feeling like I have so much more to give. I guess you could say that I am having a hard time letting go and knowing that this is it. I am done and that this chapter of my life is finished. I feel like I have more to write, so to speak, but instead the pen has been yanked from my hand while I am still writing. Dramatic a bit? Maybe so. I just feel like I need some time to grieve this loss. Because, in a sense, it is a bit of a loss; a loss of something I thought we would have, and now we never will.