Sunday, September 16, 2012

Clinging to a thread


I am not the girl who is the best at expressing my emotions at times. Oh, I am passionate and when I am mad, you know. I have a very expressive face, but what I mean to say, or should say, is that when something is really hurting me I shut down instead, and turn inward. I don't always mean too but I guess you could say that it is my defense mechanism. If I don't talk about it then it's not real, right? Wrong. Sometimes that can leave you feeling really lonely.

Unfortunately that is right where I am. Lonely. I guess you could say that I had been clinging to a thread of hope and have slowly been realizing that the thread just keeps unraveling more and more.

I don't want to sound selfish or ungrateful because I know I am beyond blessed in so many ways, but I can't help the way I feel. See, I want another baby. Badly. I have for some time. Brandon doesn't. I thought that when Kendra was young it was just something he said. Because, honestly, I wouldn't have wanted another one then, either. That was a tough first year having two under two. Now, that I have gotten to the point where I felt like we were ready I had bringing up the conversation here and there and have always been met with the same response. No. I love my kids and my family, but I don't want another one. Tonight, though I kinda broke down and told him how badly I do want a bigger family and that deep down inside I don't feel done and that I feel as though I have another child......but he/she just isn't conceived yet. Maybe that sounds weird to some but it is a feeling I have. I feel as though we were meant to have another.

Brandon does not feel the same. I can't blame him. He feels as strongly about not having one as I do about having one.I just kept hoping that maybe he would change his mind, but it has become clear to me that he won't. I told him that I would keep clinging to this thread if I thought for even a second there was a chance. He gently had to tell me that he never wants another and there is no way that he will change his mind. Ever.  I know he doesn't want to hurt me but he can't help the way he feels either.

I am trying not to feel angry, but instead I just feel very sad. I can't help it.  Now, I know that there are so many amazing women and men who want so badly to have at least one child and can't. I experienced some of that heartache when trying to conceive Jaxson so I know a little of how that feels. I don't want to sound like I am complaining when I have two wonderful children already who are my life. However, having experienced that love has opened me up to feeling like I have so much more to give. I guess you could say that I am having a hard time letting go and knowing that this is it. I am done and that this chapter of my life is finished. I feel like I have more to write, so to speak, but instead the pen has been yanked from my hand while I am still writing. Dramatic a bit? Maybe so. I just feel like I need some time to grieve this loss. Because, in a sense, it is a bit of a loss; a loss of something I thought we would have, and now we never will.

11 comments:

  1. Oh I so know how you feel. This was us for a long time. Right up until about 8 months ago. Then the hubby started making little comments about how cute babies are, took every opportunity to hold and cuddle our friends babies and then afterwards would say ohh lets have another one. He went from saying he was well and truly done, to wanting number three. He made the decision for us to start trying and now another little bundle is headed our way. I hope your story has a happy ending too, or if not that your heart finds closure and it stops hurting so much. Em xo

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  2. Oh Ashley you poor thing, I can't imagine what that feels like. It sounds as though your husband has really made up his mind on this but unfortunately you are both not on the same page...maybe things will change?? He might see how bad you want another one over time. I totally get you when you say you don't feel as though you are done having kids, it is an internal yearning. And don't ever feel selfish for that either, this is your blog and these are your feelings. I wish you luck with this xoxo

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  3. Ashley, reading this made my heart ache...it as always, was so honest and beautiful because it came straight from your heart. I certainly don't look at you as wanting too much just because you already have two children. I can relate in a sense...It's something that doesn't cross my my too often, but every now and again, I think about how badly I will want that second or third child - even though I am in the beginning stages of #1. I think it is natural to feel that way. And if I were you, I would be holding on too. I wouldn't want to give up my dream completely...because you really do never know. It has gotta be so tough when Brandon seems to feel exactly the opposite...I get it - it's like you don't ever want to and would never force him to do something he so strongly says he doesn't want to do, but you hope and pray he has a change of heart. And you know, you just never know what the future may hold...maybe I sound too positive, but I have seen a lot of men and women change their minds in these situations. Or think it's not what they want at all and then a year or so later, they realize they wouldn't have it any other way. I can tell you there were times in Steve and my relationship where things were so damn tough, I didn't know how he could even see the light or come around...and in his own time, it's like a miracle happened and he changed and grew.
    I am gonna keep you strongly in my prayers. Know I will be thinking about you and hoping that your dreams aren't as far away as you think.
    Sending tons of love
    Maria

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  4. I am so sorry girl. I can understand how it would seem like a loss, and how you would feel the need to grieve it. I think that you need to spend a lot of time in prayer and keep all options open, you just never know if he is going to change his mind. I know that at this moment, he doesn't feel like he is going to, ever, but he just might in a year or 2 when his kids get older, etc. I think that it's just important to leave the door open if either of you want another.

    So sorry girl. Will be praying for you!

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  5. Awww I'm sorry girl...I know this can't be easy. I will keep you guys in my prayer...God does work in mysterious ways!

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  6. Oh, this is so hard. I know it'll all work out in the end, but I know it must hurt so much right now. Just remember that God is in control, and he knows what's right for you and your husband. : )

    And just so you don't feel totally alone, my husband and I are going through the same thing right now, only he wants another baby and I don't. It makes for some tough conversations, that's for sure.

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  7. I'm thinking of you and praying that this has a happy ending. xoxo

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  8. My heart goes out to you.... What a rough situation to be in. You have ever right to be sad. I hope you guys will be able to come together and find peace in the huge decision about your family. Thankfully you have a bunch of readers you can talk to when your feeling lonely! Much love my dear!

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  9. no dramatic at all my dear. what a tough situation, that hopefully will turn out in the best way possible.

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  10. I'm still pregnant with my second but I don't feel like he makes our family complete. I feel like a third child will, but I'm pretty sure my husband thinks 2 is enough. We talk about having another and his response is always the same "we'll discuss it in a few years" But I feel like he's just saying that to make me happy. I hope you can find peace with the decisions you do make..

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  11. You are in my thoughts and prayers friend. Words cannot quite express how much my heart aches for you. Just know that hearts heal. Sometimes it takes lots of time but they do heal. ((hugs))

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